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Can I trust in my own heart / Or am I just one part / Of some big plan?



I've been having lot of thoughts in the past couple of weeks. My mind seriously doesn't want to settle down this time. I just wrote a post in Finnish in which I shared my feelings about leaving and traveling. This time I feel like writing in english. That's the language I mostly think in nowadays anyway. For a while I have been feeling like something is missing and I don't know what to do. First I thought that I'm finally getting homesick but that wasn't it. I also thought that am I finally starting to freak out because of the fact that I'll be homeless soon. Nope that wasn't it either. Today I figured it out. I'm missing the excitement. The excitement of not knowing what's going to happen and experiencing something completely new. The excitement I had when I left Finland.



The most hilarious part is that that is exactly what I am doing now. I have no idea where I will be in three weeks. I'm experiencing something new all the time and traveling to new places. Shouldn't that give you the excitement? Remember when I told you about my skydive? That I didn't get any adrenaline out of it and I was a bit disappointed afterwards. Who does not get excitement and adrenaline out of jumping off an airplane? 


I am really happy here and I look forward to my travels. But it feels different now. It's like being back in Finland and planning that which festivals am I going to go this summer. It is fun and exciting but it doesn't make me heart explode. It doesn't make me feel like I'm going to fly. That means that Australia really is a  home to me now. I've known it for awhile now. It's just that normal everyday life is not enough. Funny though, cause that is what I came to Australia for. Now I'm not sure about that either anymore. I feel like if I start building my life here and settling somewhere, I will waste my time in Australia. That afterwards I will regret that I didn't travel more.  Like I said in my last post it doesn't matter what I build here, it will all fall apart in october 2015 when my visa expires. What's the point of building it then? The biggest problem is the fact that that is exactly what I wanna do. Build my life here. Unfortunately that's not up to me. I have let so many people in my heart already and also said goodbye to them. And I'm going to do it again now when I leave Moranbah. I was sick of it already when I left Perth and even the thought of leaving Moranbah in less than three weeks makes me wanna vomit. I feel like I'm not living my life fully here, cause I already know that it won't last. I know it myself that this is absolutely ridiculous but I don't know how to change it.  


So I'm complaining about not having excitement in my life even though I'm a homeless traveler and also the fact that I wanna settle down in Australia but I'm unable to do it.  Contradiction here? Not at all.

Geez, this post doesn't make any sense. But neither does my thoughts right now. I could keep on writing about this for ages but maybe I'll spare your this time. Oh and pictures are  from Sara's camera from last weekend.

2 comments

  1. There is nothing else that you can trust better than your own heart. Ok, sometimes in retrospect it might have led you the wrong way... But sometimes even the wrong way is the right way... Life is not about getting and me, me, me... it is also about giving and most of all: letting go.... When you let go a space for something new opens up in you... It is good to remember that letting go does not mean running around in haste like the Rabbit in Alice in the Wonderland... it is floating in the flow of life, experiencing the beauty and the loss when they come, and being a part of it... totally.... sometimes it is stopping for a time to "hear the grass grow". Yet on the other time it means hopping on a horse and riding to the sunset .... In advance, you can never be totally sure, what is the right choise, and after it is far too late.... So listen to your heart and let go, Now!

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